FUNK. NOT THE GOOD KIND.

I have been having a terrible time getting out of my latest funk. Today has been particularly difficult. I am wanting to be in a quiet and antisocial place; however, my life and work do not allow for this kind of break. Perhaps tomorrow I can spend more time in solitude, or tune out more of the superficial chatter that surrounds me.

(I know that the chatter isn't actually superficial; but when I'm in this kind of mood, the sound of voices just gets to me.)

The weather is warm. lovely, and the snow that was supposed to come my way never quite got here. I was able to sit outside and snack on frozen yogurt -- the tart flavor I love topped with strawberries, pineapple, yogurt chips, and shredded coconut. I also picked up some Urban Decay eyeshadow from Sephora. I hoped comfort food and retail therapy might do me some good.

Now I sit quietly, insincere in my efforts to catalog all that needs to be done. There is laundry to be folded. There are counters to be wiped, dishes to be put away. Jackets and clothes to be hung. Lists to be made. I can't imagine how I will accomplish even a single thing. But I know I will get everything done. I always do.

I also don't care what's for dinner, where it's coming from, or who is going to cook it.

At the other end of the emotional spectrum, two dogs are dozing in the sunbeams shining on my office floor; soon they will start fretting over dinner. It's never a mystery what they will eat and I'm somewhat jealous.

Target is now selling Moleskines. Of course I bought one; now I'm looking at it, shaking my head. All those blank pages seem like another chore I bestowed upon myself.

Here's to a better tomorrow!

ANTICIPATION

I love to plan, I love to daydream, I love to imagine the possibilities, the what ifs...

Excited as I am about my upcoming New York trip, part of me knows that the build up is often as great as the journey. Some might feel that this perspective somehow diminishes the enjoyment of the actual experience, but I think it will enhance my vacation. 

In my day to day life, there's not a lot of excitement. I have my set routines in which I find comfort. I like following patterns and not having too many surprises. After many years of eschewing any kind of scheduling and ritual, I honestly appreciate having things run smoothly.

However, I sometimes allow this familiarity to become an impediment. 

As I make my plans for my upcoming trip, I think I should also think about applying the same principles to my life at home.Why not live everyday as though on vacation? I don't think this means letting go of responsibilities, but I don't actively seek out new places to go, or things to do. I resign myself to ho-humdrum. Now is probably the best time to change my tune...otherwise it's going to be a long spring and summer. 

GETAWAY!

It's that time of year...planning my annual New York vacation!

Looking forward to lots of culture, shopping, eating, walking, and picture-taking. Not in that order. This year, my goal is to plan just about everything I do; I almost always find myself wandering without a plan for meals and evening entertainment. That's not gonna happen this time! I would also like to find a place to do Pilates because I'll miss it. And I'll be gorging on goodies.

Oh, the places I'll go, the things I'll see. My overexcited brain is swirling. Brooklyn Flea! Doughnut Plant! Henri Bendel! Fifth Avenue! MoMA! The MoMA store! The Grand Central ceiling! Chinatown! Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge! Dim Sum! Central Park! And on. And on. It's on!

I have to find a place to capture all of these ideas and schemes as I daydream my way through the next few weeks. Although I wasn't looking forward to this trip initially, I certainly am now.

Hooray!

DISTRACTIONS

The Internet is not good for my writing. Distractions incessantly ambush me.

I'm a tireless information junkie in a limitless digital library.

On the other hand, the Internet is an awesome resource for my writing. Help and inspiration are never more than a few keystrokes away.

Yet I can reduce this dilemma to a single question: do I want to be a consumer or producer of information?

WRITER'S ENVY

Let's start by admitting the obvious -- of course I am envious of writers.

But I want to be clear with myself -- what am I envious of?

I am envious of a writer's perseverance. Envious they give themselves time. Envious they give themselves permission. Envious they don't allow themselves to be sidetracked. Envious they call themselves "writers" and no one bats (or rolls) an eye. 

A cynical friend loves to drunkenly reiterate that most writers' successes are unmerited; they get published only because of "who they know." I've never fallen for this notion -- even though there's some truth to it. Having friends in your "business" (whatever it may be) is never a bad thing; however, if you aren't at least a very good writer, you're not going to get far.

I don't feel envious of talent, which is, to a large extent, out of our control. I am envious of "stick-to-itiveness" and fearlessness. And these are qualities I can control.

ANOTHER RETURN

Once more, I am here.

Reconsidering (again) my daily writing practice.

The words come in fits and spurts; the desire to write is always lurking nearby -- a "should," a "could," a "must," a "can't."

All or nothing -- all at once.

(It's so easy to get distracted.)

It's so hard to come back.

I sit in my office among overflowing bookshelves.

Books about writing surround me. Occasionally, I pick one up. Last night was Dennis Palumbo's Writing from the Inside Out's turn.

Palumbo didn't blow me away with anything groundbreaking. He firmly but kindly reminded me of the oldies but goodies I need to re-hear from time to time (time after time).

But he did talk about something that "got to me" -- the acknowledgement of fear. So much of writing (and not writing) revolves around fear. Just typing these words makes me a little bit dizzy because I don't really want to face my fears.

What I think writing requires: 

Being gentle with yourself and others, taking care of yourself, being really quiet, paying careful attention, listening, observing, not judging, not easily becoming frustrated, not easily becoming distracted, not being out of touch with oneself. 

Not constantly giving in to the allure and attractions of all that distracts you from your very simple and wonderful self. 

Not knowing how to balance all that I want, I sit and think about re-starting the daily writing habit; after all, that's why I created this blog. Although I keep changing its identity, it remains proof my my creative wanderings, meanderings, and returns.

MUG OF THE DAY

DON'T KNOW

SSSHHH

HURRY UP, SPRING!