When I was in my early twenties and overwhelmed by living in New York, I was shocked to realize there were things a certain type of woman "had" to do in order to "maintain" herself.
For example, she had to go somewhere to get her hair cut.
She might choose to get her hair colored. If so, she'd have to re-color to maintain the look. She'd have to figure out what kind of shampoo worked best for her hair type. Then she'd have to do the same with conditioner. She'd have to select and use various styling products and tools.
There were considerations about nail care. Would she just trim her own nails? Weekly? Bi-weekly? Or bite them down to nothing? Did she use an emery board or a nail clipper? Could she use the big nail clipper on her fingernails, or was that only for toenails? What about polish -- would she invest time and money in manicures and/or pedicures or just do the painting herself? If she went to a nail salon, how could she know the tools they used were safe? How often would she need these salon services, and what would she do with her cracked, growing nails between visits?
Would she pluck her own eyebrows, allow them to remain natural, or get them waxed? Where would she get them waxed? What did she "ask for" when getting a brow wax?
What about tanning? Was the sun really to be avoided? Were tanning beds really so unsafe? What
was self-tanner, and how did one apply it to one's back?
What about leg hair? Arm hair? Bikini hair?
What about skincare?
What about exercise?
What about diet?
The list of questions could easily morph into endless worries, which could certainly become so overwhelming it became easier to just do nothing.
Years later, I realized I could have chosen not to place so much importance on these things; after all, many would argue that lavishing so much attention on oneself is vain, unnecessary, and detrimental to one's mental health. Others would point out that "having" to look a certain way is an evil only women must endure; we should all resist the pressure to conform to society's beauty norms.
But all I wanted was to look as good as I possibly could. I didn't want to be invisible; I wanted to stand out.
I needed some kind of "beauty schedule." I wanted someone or something to tell me every six weeks that it was time to get my eyebrows done. I wanted to hear a buzzer every eight weeks so I knew my roots were showing. I wanted to figure out how and when to do these "womanly" things...and then have someone remind me to do them.
Looking back, it's no longer quite so complicated to handle my many "beauty tasks" but I still find myself scrambling at the last minute to get my hair cut and colored, my eyebrows waxed. And as summer once again rolls around, I'm not quite sure how or if to make my pale, pale self a little darker. You see, I still sometimes feel like a ghost.
