It takes tremendous energy to generate negative emotion. It tires me out.
However, I also tend, for lack of a better word, to go "dormant" when I get upset.
I sit and stare, oppressed by silence and fear of what might happen if I act. I trap myself and wait, vaguely, to "feel better."
Let's not quantify the amount of productive time I've given over to this so-called dormancy. Let's be non-specific and say: A Lot.
Let's take it a step further and say: Too Much.
Today, I got angry. Today, I screamed. Today, I flipped out. At the top of the stairs, I ranted terrible accusations and flung an innocent notebook.
However, right after my rage, I was astoundingly productive. For a time, I was liberated from my sadness and anger, my new found energy exhilarating. My "hissy fit" seemed reasonable, even justified.
Then, just as suddenly, I was numb. I strained, listened to the silence, lamely attempted to understand what I had done. Without missing a beat, I dismissed my antics as "just how I am." After all, someone "made" me mad! And then, as the hours passed, I moped, and moped, and moped.
This is what I did today, as I always have.
Part of me would love to honestly announce: "Enough is Enough! I'm Ready to Change! I'm Ready to Grow Up!" but I'm not quite there.
Yet.
